Proof of Residence

This was one of my first notes in 2007

It's amazing the many things one takes for granted until you move to some other place... All last week, I tried several times to open an account... Around here, it appears everything revolves around your account number... I can't get paid without an account, can't fill out medical aid without one, need a relationship with a bank to prove that I am resident in SA…
Proof of residence... my albatross... For everything I have to do, I must have proof of residence... that's easy, isn't it... I have a house address in Boskruin... I even know the post code now courtesy of my encounter with the hospital... now that I think of it, it's only the shops and hospital that haven't asked for proof of residence... maybe they don't care as long as I part with the cash...
Your proof of residence could be "Telephone account, bank statement from another bank, Correspondence from a body corporate, Motor vehicle license documentation, television license, Utilities etc... Easy... Not so fast... Take another look at the list again... Ahaa... for any of these, you must have set up a contract with the company or provider in your name... and to do that, you require proof of residence... So to prove that I am resident in the house that I claim I live in, I need a bank account... to get a bank account, I need to prove that I live in the house...
I sleep in my house, eat in the house, have paid Gene the pool man, 2 months in advance and I still have to prove that I live in that house... Guy my landlord knows me... as his tenant... but how do I prove to the authorities that I reside there... I thought about making a video "And Chizoba lives here"... I am not sure that will wash with the bank... it may be a first for them and knowing Bank "Consultants", they may have to escalate several chains up before someone 6 months down the line decides that photographic evidence doesn't suffice...
So I spent all last week, trying to find how to prove that I live in that house... I thought about taking Sue, the Chairwoman, Chairman or Chairperson of BushHill Glades (she's not quite sure what she should be called)... Sue will deny me cos she asked me to send her my "contract" with Guy my landlord so they can give me a car sticker for my "estate". I have asked Guy to see her and show her the contract he has with MTN. I have also asked the office to call her...but who cares about Sue... their contract is with Guy...or so I thought.. I haven't been shown that contract... it would have made my proof of residence so much easier...

So last Friday, I decided that come what may this proof of residence must be settled once and for all... I asked the office to do the letter to the bank which they did and also asked them for the tenancy contract with Guy... I got the letter and then an MOU with BushHill Glades... no contract.. I went downstairs to the in-house bank... I had chatted with the lady like 4 times expressing my frustration at not being able to open an account and she said she'll speak with her branch and get back to me... You guessed right... she never did... So I took my papers confidently... after all I had the famous employment contract with my company, my ID and work permit and the letter from the office saying I am who I claim I am, that I am working with them and do live at the famous house that I live in...
She takes one look at my employment contract and says "no, I can't take this; it is not admissible in court". I wanted to ask her wetin concern your bank with court and my contract of employment" but I kept my peace... I came to open an account and not argue about when banks became legal authorities... I calmly asked her what the problem was, and she said the contract was not dated, there were no witnesses... Bottomline… no opening of any account... At that point, all my bottled frustration nearly came to the fore.. I told her that I find it frustrating that for 2 weeks I have been trying to open an account with the bank and I keep getting one story or the other... If I was a fraudster, or drug baron or my bros DSP, they would have opened the account pronto.. I acknowledged that it wasn't her fault but maybe just maybe I should walk on the dark side of the law to prove that being illegit pays...

So I storm upstairs in frustration and announce that I am returning to Nigeria.. at least in Nigeria, I don't have to prove that I live on Modupe street... Jim Ovia's bank or Tony Elumelu's staff will gladly open my account without seeing me or me filling out a form... Frustrated or not, I have to go for the team meeting... I sit through the meeting trying to understand the issues on the table... but my mind is really far away... I am mentally counting the notes in my bag and my house hoping that my sister brought cash for me and silently praying that the hospital doesn't ask for more money after they had made me deposit R6900 ($1000) to admit Mmeli, my 17 month old niece...

So I decide to discuss this little problem of no account, no pay with my team and my boss... My colleague, who's just relocated, has also had a well known issue with proof of residence. He's been living in a guest house and hasn't been able to show proof that resides somewhere... I realise that talking about it, isn't to get my pay into an account anywhere in SA and I might as well just keep shut... The other alternative is get my money paid into my GTB account and then see how I can get transfers in and out... I sit through the rest of the meeting just planning what I will do.. I have a feeling I committed to doing some stuff that I can't remember.. who cares... when I get my account, I can go looking for what it is I am supposed to be doing... Anyway I recruit my colleagues as witnesses... they sign my copy of the contract... who cares about the one in my file.. let me see how the 2 contracts will match when the bank decides to take me and my company to court... Shebi cunny man die...cunny man bury am.. na one - one goalless draw..

I leave the meeting and go up to the Payroll team to plan my "Account opening project". I fill out online forms with like 3 banks; call up another 2 who ask me to bring in the docs I have, and let them see what happens... I call my Dr friend who does his Nigeria analysis of the banks I am considering... which annoys me even further but I say nothing... Who cares what he thinks of the banks as long as I can get my pay into an account and I can access the money... It is easy to analyse stuff when you can access cash... Try analysing the banks when you are running out of money... of what use is the analysis... unless it is for a PhD thesis…
I pack all my papers, contracts, my "proofs of residence" and head home for the day determined that I must have an account by Monday morning... I had been referred earlier to Clearwater Mall branch of the bank by the Relationship person who initially thought I wanted an offshore account... we had talked for like 3 days before she realised I needed a local account then she started hedging... Anyway I had a name to talk to in the bank.. Megan.. and I was determined that Megan was going to open that account on Saturday... but first I have to find Clearwater mall...
I am geographically challenged... where is east, west or north? I am told it is on Christian de Wet (pronounced Christian de Vet). Can’t ever pronounce the names right... nearly bit my tongue trying to pronounce the hospital where my niece is admitted… Wilgeheuwel Hospital. Can't remember where the Vs and the Ws go. At least Nnenna tries to remember. My colleague rides with me to pick up his car from the garage and shows me the mall. Silly me, it is the bank of buildings I see on my way from the office to the hospital... When I am given directions to a place, you better give the directions back if not consider me lost. That's another long story...

So i finally find my way to the hospital to see my ill niece and ensure she's ok. We sit around the hospital till 9.30pm waiting for her to turn in for the night, but she is still awake and we don't want her to cry. So we sit and wait. Parents don’t stay in hospital, so no matter how ill your child is, once it is nightfall you go home and child stays… simple… They asked me to sign a form when they admitted her, I asked them to sign mine… a guarantee that when I come in the morning that I will find her; that they won’t have changed her overnight to something I can’t recognise… you know you can’t trust these people.. before they start telling me cock and bull stories otherwise know in my place as “how I shot the baby bird and the mother flew away… Did I have a choice… not at all.. On top of my $1000 deposit, I have to leave the child in their care… ok oooo… I hope Mmeli will show them just small pepper…
I wake up early on Saturday morning... my account opening day and plan my trip for the day... Driving is serious business... I need to anticipate all the turnings and robots.. We step out for the day and guess what... I left the bag of my documents and proofs of residence at home.. I refuse to get angry with myself... I reasoned that I have something more important like getting my niece home... In any case even if I opened the account on Saturday I can't get paid on Saturday... so I plan again for Monday...
Monday at 9am I head to the bank and then sit for 30 minutes waiting for an avaliable consultant...armed with my documents to prove that I truly legitimately reside where I claim I do... I asked to speak with Megan who can't remember the conversation with Mumtaz... I hold my peace.. come what may, I wasn't leaving there without an account number... I didn't care what account... I just wanted a number..
At past 10, a lady walks up to me consults a list and then says come with me... I pretend I didn't hear her... I know the routine, they walk up to you and say "Mr xxxxxx please come with me"... Can't she pronounce my name.. she looks at me again and says please come with me... I get up and follow her after all I came to open and account and not hear my name called...
I push all the documents to her and calmly explain that I ned to open an account... she asked for passport, work permit, employment contract.. as she reels off what she needs, I pick it from the pile in front of her and push it towards her... She starts clicking and filling out a form online.... "cell phone number?".... Work phone? I tell her I have no clue.. she looks puzzled... I look at her strangely.. can't she get it that my cell phone number is my work phone number as well... this is 2007...what other number can someone in mobile telecoms have.. I offer my home number... she accepts... Then the famous question..."what your address"... I hand her the letter from my office duly signed stating my address... and she said the P words... Proof of residence... that's like red flag to a bull... I asked her how I will have proof of residence when I have no account, can't contract with any provider without proof of residence... how's one expected to survive without pay cos one doesn't have an account because there's no proof of residence... she asked when I was to be paid and I told her wednesday last week....but that won't happen without a bank account... At that point, I think she realised that one more question was going to fetch me a quick trip to the psychiatrist... so she took the remaining documents and continued filling out whatever it was she was filling online..

Then she says I have to open a saving account for you - Eplan - is that ok? How do i know the account types and what you can do with them... Told her I had no clue what she was talking about... I need an account that I can pay my salary into and withdraw from... call it saving, paying o whatever just open the account... she says ok.. she'll open the savings, then I can get banking history for 3 months and we can then transfer it to a current account... Do i care... all I want is anumber... We go through all the form filling and signing and she says I need to pay minimum of R50... Not a problem... if she asked for 5000, I was willing to pay into the account, just let me have the number...

Some more forms to fill and sign and she announces that I need to go go over to enquiries to pick my ATM card and gives me a form to give my office... she can see the relief on my face... she tells me to pick the card and then go to the teller and pay the R50... and the account has been opened... it takes about 2 seconds for my brain to register that I have finally opened the account and now on my way to having "an unaided proof of residence". I quickly thank her and go to enquiries, get my card, test it and receive my PIN.... Then head off with my R50 to the teller to further consolidate this my new relationship...

At long last, 2 hrs after I walked into the bank, I now have an account number... I don't know whether to dance, sing or cry... I calmly walk out to the car park and get into my car... I send a mail to my VS telling him I have finally opened the account... I drive away to my office to present the all important number to the payroll team... I meet Renee as soon as I get to my desk and show her document.. proof that I have an account... she smiles and hugs me... and says just what I want to hear.... "let me go and arrange the transfer..."

I am suddenly very emotionally, physically and mentally tired.. all I want to do is go home and sleep... the DS (deep slumber) kind... Obtaining "proof of residence" is one hell of a job... Maybe I should run a training and consultancy on that... My first client will be my new colleague who's just signed to join... Wonder what my fees should be