Three years after

Taken me three years to get back to this blog. How time flies... When I started writing it was a way of clearing my head while working outside my home country. I am not a writer... never pretended I was.. but it was a way of sharing the things I couldn't tell anyone else. You know how it is, there are things one can't say to colleagues, friends and family...

So here I am now, back home...changed jobs, location, role, routine... In many ways I have changed. I am more withdrawn, homelier and enjoy my own company. I am not anxious and have no need to prove any point to anyone. That's what being 40+ does. I am my own person and I love who I have become and the journey to whatever else I morph into.

But in many ways, I am still the same... Big, bold and in your face... I am still the same old girl... love hanging out with my family and still have the same old friends even if we just hang out on FB. I still find the funny side of life and look for the strange positives in every situation. Still hate negative people and nay sayers... Still single and dreaming of the elusive loving and caring man... It appears they are extinct like the dinosaurs.. but I am still hoping.

I still have my VS... my reclusive, elusive and strange VS. He's no longer my VS, VS...if you get what I mean... I don't need the support anymore...by the way did he ever provide the support.. can't remember... we don't see and don't talk as much... we never really did... We have episodes of long conversations and then he disappears... I don't worry as much anymore about where he's taken off to... Probably because I have a truckload of my own problems or that I have finally come to terms with who he is... But I live my life and he lives his... He never made it to Jozi or whatever location I am in... I have stopped hoping that he will tell his own story. If he does, all well and good... if he doesn't, all well and good...

I am still overweight... and it appears that wishing isn't going to get the weight to fall off... I made peace with the body years ago until this year when I found out I could get a new body for about 8k - 10k usd. Been dreaming of doing the lap band or the bypass but praying also that the drawbacks don't show up in my case... My friend is back with a great body and renewed zest for life... So I am encouarged to give it a try...

My problem is discipline... I love my food. I love my food... I am not a cake and candy person or very snacky... I love my good local food... amala and ewedu with all the bumps and constraints in the soup... banga and starch, swallow + the "soups" - bitterleaf, oha, okro, ogbono, edikang ikong, afang, white soup or nsala... I love my rice with pepper sauce (ofada stew), party jollof rice.... Once I start, I can't stop...

So this month, in steps Uloma and her torture gang who won't let me rest with Atkins, Torture diet, Mastercleanse... Have no clue what possessed me to agree to do the cleanse... so here I am day 5 of this cleanse salivating over all sorts of food that I have been buying... I must have a sadistic streak ordering barbecued fish, and all sorts of "soups" and salads. My housekeeper is walking around in a daze wondering what to do with me not eating but ordering bowls and bowls of food. So it is day 5 of drinking the maple syrup, lemon and ginger mix and wondering how on earth I allowed them to con me into this.

Upside to this - can see my toes are slightly thinner... got into a pair of shorts I last wore 6 years ago when I lost a lot of weight... I am 6 years older and those shorts aren't decent at all now...
downside- I am hungry and want to eat... particularly because I am unhappy at work and not in a good place emotionally. What can a single girl do when unhappy....talk it over with food...
Not sure I can do the 10days... I have proved to myself that I can do without food for 5 days... I am likely to stretch it to 7 days... but 10 is asking for too much. The weekend is tough.. nothing to do, nowhere to go and nothing to eat except take swigs from the bottle of the mix... what a life.

I am back and I hope to keep writing even when I have nothing to say.