Where it all started: Random Thoughts... It was a Tuesday

This was written in my first few weeks of relocating to South africa from Nigeria...and started the weekly "journal " I sent by mail to friends and colleagues...and gave rise to this blog...



When I first got here and saw people wearing sunglasses, I thought they were all crazy. Then you look at pictures of my colleagues at their functions, they are all in sunglasses… As I am driving to work, nearly every one is wearing sunglasses.... Wetin?

Guess what? I have joined the sunglasses craze… Every morning the sun is out by 6am and as I am driving to work at 6.40am, I drive towards the sun… that’s East I hope (I am seriously geographically challenged). Anyway I have to sit drive bumper to bumper for nearly 30 minutes sometimes to get from my house to join the exit to the N1 freeway that takes me 6 minutes to Innovation Centre. So for the last 2 weeks I have been sitting through this without sunglasses and did not even realise that I needed one.

So I went to the mall on Sunday to pick up a girl to weave my hair… ever wondered why SA women have low cut… the wahala of finding a good black salon is making me reconsider keeping the one I have… that’s another long story… So while in the mall, tired, sleepy and just waiting, I decided to a buy a pair… I think that’s the best decision I have made in a long long time… I tried like 5 till I got THE ONE… and boy do I look good… when I get into my car now, I back out of my garage and as I head out of the cluster gate, I put on my sunglasses and smile to myself and singing to myself “if you could see me now”… vanity upon vanity is VANITY… I have repented of that vanity this morning oooooooooo…. But a girl has to keep herself happy.

My sister brought some Ibo gospel CDs that I like to listen to, so the ride to work is now interesting, with me singing at the top of my voice (don’t worry my windows are fully wound up so they can’t really hear me) and dancing to some strange rhythm… one lady had to overtake me so she could take a good look at the lunatic driving in front of her.

I turn off the free way into 14th Avenue, home of Innovation Centre and there’s traffic… One young guy smiles at me and gives me room to join the lane… I know it is the glasses.. I have gone this route a few times and all they want to do is run me off me the road particularly at the robot… that’s what traffic lights are called here…. So the glasses do make a difference… I knew it! I drive into the premises, swipe my card to get through the main gate, head to Phase 2 basement, swipe again and hey… there’s loads of parking space.. Now I can pick and choose… I find a spot that’s close enough and park so well that driving instructors all over the world will give an arm and leg to have me demonstrate this to their students… Feeling good with myself, I remove the sunglasses and put them back in the case and tuck it away in its special place in the car… I sit in the car listening to the CD and psyching myself up for work today… It is the start of another Tuesday…

Am I crazy? I think so… it has to take craze to justify relocating at this age… no be husband I follow, na me take my own leg with my own hand carry my bag enter plane to come here… No problem.. the work na PhD thesis dem wan make I write… when the big boss was talking about the correlations he’ll like to see from the Org design work and report we are putting together, I wanted to remind him that I don’t have a PhD and certainly not in Social Statistics but I held my peace… why open my rough lips and confirm that I am thick… I missed not having prescription glasses…you now the kind that gives the impression you are intelligent… I think I should invest it one…. In the absence of the glasses, I manufactured a frown that I hope looked like I was deep in intelligent thought.. Looks like it worked because he paused to listen when I did decide to speak…

My trip to Sudan is confirmed… and I have asked the Sarah, my contact there for the dress code… None!! Only a smile… she’s even trying to line up some potential hubbies… but you know my specifications… 10% as rich as the Company President… Who cares about love and beauty… money has a way of making everything rosy and with that kind of money, my cloud 9 will be really really soft… Don’t I need a super soft cloud 9… At least it will get me away from the 8 to 5 grind…


So I am starting work o…. Catch you later and do have a great week… I am still whistling from the sunglasses and the music from the drive to work… I hope I keep the sunshine in my heart…

Counting days till Friday

I am counting down till Friday... It's Tuesday...then Wednesday...Thursday and Friday... One, two and three more sleeps and it will be Friday

I'll let on why I counting the sleep days till Friday... It is decision day... to be or not to be... On Sunday, he said that Wednesday will define the opportunities... Today he says he won't know till Friday... but I am patient... I will wait and hear what Friday brings...

I am undecided how I should feel... One part of me wants to hear it is possible...the other part of dreads the possibility... what will I do...because it is a little awkward...a little strange... I like my VS...very much... much more than I can ever let on... I am comfortable with the strange friendship we have and prefer to keep it that way.... the compulsive helper part of me wants to look after him, the sane side of me wants to keep it safe...as safe as sane can be... the dangerous part of me wants to explore possibilities...and the safe part of me wants to keep it even and let it be...

He says Friday will decide if he can come soon... I am happy he is thinking about it...and all excited about showing him my favourite places in Jozi...my cosy little coffee shops... my favourite bookstore...find new smoothies and cocktail recipes and make them with him...talk a lot more than we have in nearly 1 year... share parts of my life we haven't explored previously... hear the stories he hasn't shared and refuses to discuss on the phone...

I like my VS...but I fear that this will make or break the fragile friendship we have built over the months...that has taken a lot on his part... and mine too... I fear that one word, one gesture, one move...may send us spiralling on the wrong path or send us on two different paths... I like my VS...but I am not willing to lose what we have...

So I am counting down to Friday but I also fear what the possibilities may be... A Yes will send me in panic...No will make me sad... But I am still counting all the same...

Upside down

Funny how the best intentions get shelved... How you know something's not good for you and you still insist on it... I have always known...don't need a soothsayer to tell me that this isn't good for my health...but .... my ears have suddenly stopped receiving signals... my head's stopped processing...

One minute we are up... the other minute we are down... wondering, asking, waiting.... Why do I do this to myself? Why do I let my pulse go up and down...why do I let it happen to me? I don't know... I stopped wondering...because I don't just get it...

I have always been the smart one... always figured things out...always analysed it...and let it all come together... But I am stumped on this...

What do I want? I don't know... or rather I don't want to share or be honest to myself... Saying it, puts it in black and white and makes it real... that way I can't walk away from it and shrug it off... will make me look stupid.. but I am already stupid..why bother how I look...

Rambling I am...but can't help it... trying to clear my head after tonight's conversation..but I am not succeeding... Maybe I shouldn't bother... because at the end of the day... claering my head, doesn't clear my heart or does it? Who knows...

Online Forums

I have been away from my blog for weeks now... Doing what exactly? I don't know... Been a funny week for me... sorting out all sorts of stuff... and spending evenings on the BBA2 forum... Crazy...

BBA... Eish! My nemesis if I don't get a hold of myself... I started off watching the program... all the intrigues until Lerato became unbearable... She is loud, hghly opinionated and not tolerant... sounds a bit like some people in my work place... There's Bertha...one minute a christian, the other minute trying to get into Kwaku's bed... Kwaku... a sad mistake of a 30 year old man... Haven't heard anything intelligent coming from him...and He is so so slow...

Code...makes no sense and talks rubbish and now permanently joined at the hip to Maureen... They spend so much time kissing and lying together that I think they should just send them home together in one eviction show...

Richard came in married but seems to have lost his way with Tatiana...the sultry Angolan temptress... I wonder what his wife will do... How on earth did she let him get on the program after just 4 months of marriage... People toy with their property carelessly... Ofunneka, the unpretty one... Come to think of it, I haven't really listened to her much..but she doesn't fit the Nigerian stereotype and we all wrote her off...

Max lost his way in her Lerato's skirt and paid dearly for it... He was the one most likely to win but he allowed that to get to his head and totally lost it thereafter... Africa voted 12 countries to just Zambia to get him off the show... Meryl thought she was the sexiest thing on this planet and Africa gave the verdict that sex may sell in the US but not in the motherland... she had no limits and unfortunately, no self respect...

Jeff was just Jeff... I never saw him execising..but it appears that was his only contribution to the show... My brother said he tried every morning to commit suicide... At least he wasn't Justice who threatened fire and brimstone when he had a spat with Meryl... He behaved through to the usual comments about short people... I was convinced that if he wasn't voted out, he would have set Meryl ablaze...

But I am worried because if this is the generation of employees that we have in organisations, we are doomed as a nation... Highly opinionated, small minded...not well read (not talking degrees here)... can't carry on a conversation...all speaking in very fake accents.... Africa is in trouble...

The forum is what gets me... responding to the threads of conversation on various issues... some threads bother on the ridiculous...some have sexual connotations.. But most are abusive... There is no tolerance... On the forum, there are people watching the housemates 24x7 and reporting on the activities... some record the activities and go over them with a fine tooth comb... From the threads, I can follow the daily activities... you can see who supports who... But I have made friends with some of the regulars and have started chatting off the forum with some of them... Some potential for good friendship... female, of course...

BBA2.... Eish!!!

Clearing my head

I have never been much of a writer.... a talker... yes!!! but write? Naaaaaaa... That's why I am wondering why I decided to do this... There's one thing to have a voice.. it's another to have the fingers to write....or the words to be written...

I have so so much to say....but very little will or patience to write it all. So much has happened these past weeks that I need to get off my chest and out of my head...but I'll rather talk about it than sit and write.

I took the day off today because I have been running on caffeine these past weeks. I really wanted to go home but I need travel permission and insurance to go back to my country and home. Crazy... So I decided to stay put... In any case I'll have to pay for a ticket to fly back and spend over 12 hours flying back and forth. Didn't make economic sense to spend that money to just hang out at home for 48hrs.

I have been a little antsy...a combination of work and my emotional state. Work I can talk about.. but my emotional state, I'll rather not get into because it is a long story...

I have had so so much to do that sometimes I wish I was an octopus... that way I can have 4 pairs of hands doing all the stuff that my brain wants to do... But with 4 pairs of hands, won't I have to double or quadruple the processing speed and power of my brain? So I have been trying my best to juggle all the stuff thrown my way. I have no clue how I ended up getting stuck with the workload that I have.... I think that comes from being a busybody... I haven't quite been able to learn the delicate art of dodging work.. I walk in with both legs and keep seeing things that require improvements.

So I have been juggling bits and pieces of different things that individually on face value, add no value...but a whole is the core and essence of the value my role brings to any organisation... improving team and organisation effectiveness... Big words that mean nothing... But those bits and pieces are emotionally tasking...trying to get people to have a vision of the future, personally and as a team... Getting people to collaborate... helping teams to see what they can achieve if only they see the bigger picture and locate themselves in it... It is emotionally draining...and very uplifting when they get it...

The past few weeks have been a real roller coaster of emotions for me... I have tried to be patient and helpful... providing support for my team and other teams... teaching, coaching, listening, probing, writing, thinking, reading... I have learnt some patience... dispensed humor, done Powerpoint slides like crazy... I have done just about everything...

So this week I decided I was on my last litre of sanity and need a break...before I turn into a local witch and start behaving like a tokoloshe... Since I did not want to be cast out into swines like the demons in the bible, I decided to remove myself from the offioce for a day to recharge... Did I get the rest? whoside!!! (like my people will say)... I slept till 9.30am...and only woke up because there was a call... it wasn't my call and the lady apologised nicely... I settled down again to sleep for another hour or so, when my boss called...asking for some information... that knocked the sleep out of my system... then I turned on the television to watch Big Brother Africa...and got irritated listening to all their yakking... As a HR professional, I am worried that the 12 housemates represent some of the talent that we have either hired in our organisations or probably will hire... I am also worried that we have a generation of people who cannot hold meaningful conversations or communicate clearly... What's with all the jargons and stupid accents and vocabulary that means absolutely nothing... Most times I have no clue what they are saying... I have concluded that I am old school and come from a different generation...made even more obvious by the rapid rate at which I am losing my hair colour...(a different story for the day I have the strength to write)... anyway I digress

So I turned off the television and decided I might as well start my day...fully... I remembered I had made a careless promise of taking a friend to a salon to get her hair done...and also lock my hair. I had very long hair as at May this year... and just decided to cut the hair real low and wear it naturally for a while... It was fine for a while until I couldn't get a comb through it without wincing.... I had reached the point where I was comtemplating not combing it anylonger.. I knew it was time either to process it again (very unappealing) or lock it... So I did today... but that took about 4 hours... the process of locking it took about 90minutes..but the wait for Harold the hair stylist just reminded why I took the decision to cut my hair... So we were at the salon till 4pm... then dropped off my friend and her baby.... made another hasty promise to take her mum shopping tomorrow... well Thabo willl... My best friend's husband came in today and we went 'shopping' very briefly... and had dinner.... If you know me, I am a shopaholic... Retail therapy works for me... both ways... me buying or me selling...

So here I am... tired...but a little unstressed... Didn't have to think about any structures or plan or objective or meeting or papers to write to anyone or for anyone... Didn't have to grin and bear it today... sitting on my desk and being nice... rambling away with a smile when I want to do is shake whoever it and yell in their ear... leave me alone!

Todays' gone... there's still tomorrow and Sunday to get my life back together before the rat race begins again on Monday...

I must sound like I am rambling...but I needed to get this off my chest and clear my head to get ready for a new day... Now I feel just a tad lighter and can sleep easier.

Getting Up

Waking up is becoming real hard...and the sleep too short...

I struggle each day at 5.45am to extricate myself from the warm embrace of my pillows and duvet... each day I lose the battle... my pillows cling on for dear life, my duvet wraps itself tighter around me... like a child will cling to a parent on his/her first day at school, afraid to let go... Every morning I give in...promising it will be the last... Then I lie back for another 15 minutes, to reassure my duvet that I am not deserting it forever... 15 minutes becomes 30; then 45...sometimes 60minutes.... Each time my hand snakes out from beneath the duvet to hit the snooze button to delay the separation for just a little while... I have lost that battle for so long that I worry that I may never win.

I remember (very dimly now), when I used to get out of bed at 5.30am... bright and chirpy. It was summer... I remember leaving the house each day at 6.30am to brave the long drive to my office. It was a long drive because I knew one route to work and it appeared everyone knew just that route.... Anyway... then I had time to grab a cup of coffee to keep me company on that 35 minutes or so drive... I had loads of space in the basement parking to choose from... I was nearly always the first at work and had time to get myself organised for the day...

As summer gave way to autumn, 5.30am moved to 6am... getting into the shower took longer and getting out of it even longer... 6.30am departure became 7.10am or 7.15am... I had alternative routes so the drive became shorter (20 -25 minutes)... I always got a space in the basement parking... but not close enough to the lift... With all my bags, the walk was long...

Temperatures dropped further as winter set in and it looks like my get up and go, got up and went with the dipping temps... that was when my blanket and duvet decided to hold me hostage every morning... getting out of bed and ready for the day became a battle... on very good days I manage to wrestle my duvet off me at 7am... on other days, we struggle till 7.30am and I must confess there are days we have parted rather very violently at 8.30am... Getting in and out of the shower took longer... choosing something to wear even longer... I never ever got it right... I was either too warm or toio lightly dressed. Considering the time I spend finding something to wear, you'll think I'll have the goode sense to check temps for the day... Not this one... I was always too sleepy and tired to think... A space in the basement's out of the question except that days I straggle in very late... (too ashamed to even put a time)... That meant parking outside and walking all the way in the cold without a coat or wrap...through the parking lot to the basement (feels like a cellar), up the stairs to the lobby... Very long walk with 3 or 4 bags... Please don't ask me what I am doing with that many bags... You'll never understand....

Anyway, yesterday, my duvet and I parted rather amicably at 7.25am after 4 attempts at extricating myself from my pillows... It is spring, ... and I hope it comes with deeper sleep and less stressful parting of ways with my bedding... I need my sleep...but most importantly I need my get up and go...

Strange Start

Feels strange to put my life out there... Why am I doing this if it feels this strange? I don't know and I have stopped caring...about being right or wrong; being careful or careless... I will never get it right all the time or be wrong most of the time... I am going to just be...Me and no one else.



I am going to share my journey...my joys, sorrows, frustations, excitement...whatever I feel... I'll use my space to unclutter my head, unburden my heart (so heavy today)...



Thanks to friends that feel I have a voice...I am here on this page opening my life to anyone who cares to look...



And he finally set it up for me... Mr K... thanks a million and I owe you one or is it two!!!...